Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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