She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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