theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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