I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I need to calm my uterus...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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