Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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