All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
