The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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