My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
