A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We got so high we made milksteak
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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