We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
