Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
