Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
