I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
