My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well I just put wine in my tea
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
