My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
