Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
