I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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