Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
