He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize