How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
