I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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