The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
