You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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