i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize