Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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