Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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