I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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