i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
