just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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