someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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