I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize