Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
