Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
this beer tastes like vomit already
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just found a bag of teeth...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
