don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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