did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
