Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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