My nipple is on Facebook.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
