You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
