Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
