Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
