I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
