I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
