Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
