And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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