I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
