Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just high enough for therapy.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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