im drinking this country out of the recession.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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