loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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