The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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