don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
