I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Need sex. Gaining weight.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
