I hope mine doesn't look like that
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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