unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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