Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
