i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
