Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
