so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
