True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
