halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
