All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
