Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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