Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
