You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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