Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
